я устала молчать
I'm tired of being silent

Text: Margreeth Fernhout Photography: Marielle van Uitert

With Putin on the line, the future for Chechnya is again unsure. The fate of president Kadyrov in Chechnya is closely connected with Putin. But the Chechen mothers have other things to worry about than politics. Their children are much more important.

They lost parents, brothers, husbands and sons because of the Chechen war. Their houses were bombed, their cities destroyed. They had to leave their country to find fortune in Moscow. Their they are called Black Asses, their children criminal and their grandchildren terrorist. But the mothers from the war keep on fighting, for their only reason of existence: their children and grandchildren.

Malika: ,,I am not a patriot for Russia, nor for Chechnya. I am just a mother.''
 

,,My husband was shot to death. One of my sons-in-law as well, the other probably. He was abducted seven years ago, we have not heard from him since. My youngest son is in prison, innocent. But did I already tell you my granddaughter won a price?'' Malika Mintsayes, 56 years old, fled to Moscow in 1996. She is willing to talk about her dead relatives, as long as she is also allowed to speak about her three granddaughters.

,,I married when I was 17, I did not see my husband before. We got seven children, three sons and four daughters. No, I did not pick my husband myself, but yet we were ready to make our live beautiful. We were filled with plans and had a perspective. Our children would have a happy youth, grow up in peace.''

Everything changed when in 1994 the first Chechen war started. ,,We lived in bomb shelters for a while. Above us our houses were destroyed. We left for friends outside the city, stayed on several places. All the time people were shot or abducted. More and more families left, leaving their dogs behind. No one fed them, so they started eating the bodies that were still in the houses. When the authorities cut the power and commenced a curfew, we reached the limit. We could not live in Chechnya any longer and fled to Moscow.''

Malika Shakes her head when she is speaking about politics. ,,Who is this guy Kadyrov anyway? He has this function by coincidence.'' She raises he voice. ,,He has expensive cars and a private zoo, while his people are starving.'' Her angry finger cuts the air. ,,He can find you abroad as well, they say. Well, I am not afraid. I do not stand up though. I am not a patriot for Russia nor for Chechnya. I am just a mother. Who hurts my children, I will get, if necessary with my bare teeth.''

With dry eyes Malika tells what happened to her loved ones. One son-in-law was abducted in Grozny while her daughter was pregnant. After six months a message reached them in Moscow: he was released but seriously injured. Malika granddaughter was born already, but before the father could flee to Moscow, he was shot in the streets of Moscow. Her other son-in-law was also abducted, they never heard of him again. Her husband was killed while visiting his sick mother in Grozny. She tells it all, in pain, but without crying.

Only when the conversation is about returning to Chechnya the tears appear. ,,It hurts, thinking about Chechnya. Where our dacha was, is now only an empty spot. Our apartment is taken by strangers, they say the government gave it to them. We have nothing, only the memories of murder, hunger and darkness remain. We could have had so much, but everything is taken. I have nothing to live for anymore in Chechnya. Only my grandchildren keep me alive. I want to give them the future I could never give my own children.''

Creating that future is not easy for Malika. She had to fight even to get them in school. ,,They were refused, simply because they are Chechen. 'Why would you go to school, when you will grow up you will only bomb people anyway,' they said to my granddaughter. When she was finally accepted in a school, the teacher kept her calling a terrorist. Only very few people trust us and the police arrest Chechens randomly. My youngest son is for nine months in prison already, though he is innocent. He suspected of trading in drugs, which is nonsense. I have seen the official papers the police has, but the facts are contradicting. His arrest is based on one person who was stopped while carrying drugs. He said he bought it from 'a Chechen guy'.'' Her son can get maximum 12 years in prison.

Malika dries her tears with the cat. ,,He is cute, isn't he? I did not dear to take a cat, because we rent this place and maybe the owner did not want it. But my granddaughters kept on begging. 'He does not have a home either, just like us' they said. Well, then I had to give in.''

Tahita: ,,My daughter injured her leg when an explosion happened. I am saving for her prosthesis.''

 

,,Isn't she beautiful? She is my daughter. She used to be even prettier, before she scratched her face on the street when an explosion happened in Chechnya. Luckily she has a nose prosthesis, so you don’t really notice it.'' 50-year old Tahita Dadshevna came to Moscow in 2007 to earn money for her daughter’s surgery, which is required to fix her injured leg. “She needs surgery every three months in order to cut out the infection. We are saving for a knee prosthesis, otherwise they have to amputate her whole leg.''

Tahita lives with her husband and two sons in a modest flat, about an hour’s drive from Moscow. They share the kitchen, toilet and bathroom with four other families. The zebra finches in the kitchen are wakening the whole floor. ,,We used to live in Moscow, in a good apartment. But there was a fire, and we lost everything. Pictures, our registration papers... A disaster, because without papers it is hard to find work here in Moscow. New papers are almost impossible to get, because there are no files about us in Chechnya either. They all disappeared during the war.''

Her sons and husband try to make money with several small jobs. ,,My husband works on a construction site. I used to work there as well, but three months ago I got sick. Somehow, I gained 20 kilos in two months. I must be the worrying, when my youngest son died because of meningitis I lost almost all my teeth. Also because of the worrying.''

During the second Chechen war, Tahita, her husband Vhakhim and their five children fled to the mountains. ,,We lived with the grandmother of my husband. His sisters, both widowed, also lived their with their children. The house was crowded, but we could not go to our own house anymore. And my family does not exist anymore, my parents and two brothers died in a rocket attack. I only have a sister, she is in a wheelchair after an accident. She was fleeing to the mountains when their car hit a roadside bomb.''

Then the school year 2002/2003 starts. Tahita is shuffling on her couch. Her voice is breaking. ,,We had to buy new clothes and notebooks for my youngest daughter Fatima. She was 10. My stomach was aching, so I let my other daughter Sleima go with her, Selima was 20 already. In those times it was rather quiet in Grozny, so I did not worry.''

There was a curfew, but when it got dark her daughters were not back yet. ,,My husband got home just before the curfew. He said that Selima and Fatima ran into their aunt in Grozny and stayed there.'' Tahita was comforted, but did not understand why Vakhim did not let her turn on the television or radio. Vakhim wanted to protect her from the news he had heard on the street: their two daughters were killed in an attack in Grozny. ,,He was acting so strange that I just had to switch on the television. When he was away for a second, I quickly pushed the button. I saw my youngest daughter, she was being interviewed in a hospital bed. She said she was doing well, but I panicked. I understood what happened, but did not know anything about Selima yet.''

The next morning, even before the curfew was over, Tahita and her husband drove to the hospital. ,,Eventually, we found Selima at the intensive care of the hospital. We were not allowed to see her, she could not tell us herself how she was doing. I wanted to hold her so badly, tell her that I was so sorry I did not go to the market myself.''

Tahita refuses to blame anyone. ,,No, it is not the fault of the Russians, nor of the Chechen nationalists. Allah must have wanted it this way.'' She speaks well of president Kadyrov, a man not really known for his generosity or humane nature ,,He is a good man. If you get in touch with him, everything will be alright. He saw my sister sitting in her wheelchair alongside the road. He gave her 12.000 euro.''

Tahita could use such a sum as well. There is no money for saving Selima's leg, but she does not want to ask Kadyrov for help. ,,He has to help so many people already.'' She shows a pictures of a knee prosthesis. ,,This is the one we need, it costs 60.000 euro. And we already are 12.000 euro in debt because of the surgeries and physical therapy. It can only be done here in Moscow, she has to come here every three months by train. It is about a day and a half travelling, but she can not come live here either, because of her children. It is hard for us here in Moscow, but we are talking about my little girl here. I am saving up for her.''

Imani: ,,My husband thought I was a bad mother. But it was for the sake of my kids that I left for Moscow.''

 

,,On the phone, my husband said he did not love me anymore. If I did not have children, I would have gone with him to Kazakhstan. But there is no future for them there. I chose my children and left my husband alone.'' Imani Zakaeava, 48, fled from Chechnya to Moscow in 2001.

,,I grew up in Kazakhstan. My family was deported there during Stalin’s time. My parents were dumped in the fields; there was nothing there. Slowly, they rebuilt their lives. Only years later they were allowed to go back to Chechnya, but in the meantime, I married a Kazakh, named Ramzan. It was a marriage of love, no one forced us to get married.''

Imani's parents sold their house in Kazakhstan and started again in Chechnya. ,,Again, they had to built a house from the ground. Again, there was hardly any food. But again, we made it.'' Or they did, until the first Chechen war started. ,,We stayed as long as possible, but in 1995 my husband convinced me to come with him to flee to Kazakhstan. We stayed there six months, and then I begged my husband crying to return to Chechnya. There was nothing in Kazakhstan, no work, no food.''

Back in Chechnya, everything went well. She had three children and lived happily with her husband. But then again: war. ,,We lived in a little village just outside Grozny. We finished our food, there was no work and it was unsafe to go outside. There were snipers who shot everything that moved.''

In July 2001, Imani told her husband she was going to Moscow for three days. ,,We had to get money somehow, my children were starving. But I did not go for just three days, I stayed six months. My husband was furious. 'You are not a mother for your children' he said. But I did it for them, they needed food. After six months I still did not find work, so I returned unexpectedly. Just in time, as it turned out.''

Her Kazakh family-in-law had convinced Ramzan to flee to Kazakhstan again, with their three children. ,,I was at home at 12.00, three hours later Ramzan had planned to take the train. He really was convinced to go, but when he saw my face and how much I had suffered, he forgave me. Three days later, we were all in Moscow.''

Imani told her husband and children she had a house and a job. In reality, she had neither. ,,I was sharing a room with a friend. She gave her bed for my children. Only months later we were able to arrange our own place.'' While her husband was taking care of her children, Imani tried to get money with several small jobs. ,,My husband thought it was horrible, in our culture he is the one who is responsible for the family, not the woman.''

Again and again Ramzan proposed to go to Kazakhstan together. ,,But after that first time, I did not want to go anymore.'' After a year in Moscow, Ramzan was arrested. He did not have any registration in Moscow and was deported to Kazakhstan. ,,My youngest daughter cried for days about him. I could not do anything for her.''

Eight months after his deportation, Imani called her husband to say that he will become a father again. ,,I had known for a long time already, but I did not dare to tell him. People said I should have an abortion, because I already had three children who I could hardly feed. But if Allah gives life, He will also give help. So I kept it. Ramzan was happy. Eventually, he even gave Dani his name. But they have never seen each other, he refuses to come to Moscow.''

Imani rents one small room for her and her four children. There are two bunk beds and a table with a sewing machine on it. They share a kitchen, shower, and bathroom. ,,My biggest pride is my permanent registration in Moscow. I have only had it for a month. This may sound crazy, but it makes me so happy. I can finally get a real job, maybe we could leave this little room one day.''

Then, Dani can not stop crying anymore. ,,I blame myself for not being able to convince him to come back to Moscow and that I failed to take care of my family in Chechnya. But if Ramzan ever comes back, we will have to live as brother and sister. I do not love him anymore.'' Imani refuses to hold the picture of her husband. ,,I only have that picture for my children. They need to know who their father is. I think they also need a father, but I will not be able to ever love a man again.''

Laila: ,,My mother was embarrassed that she needed to ask me for help.''

 

“My mother had to flee Chechnya five times. She returned every time, because she could not leave her homeland for good. During the second Chechen war, we literally had to drag her into the car as she decided she would stay in her country. On the road to safety, bombs were dropping around us. Only then she admitted it was too dangerous.'' Laila Rogozina, 45 years old, left Chechnya in 1980 to study abroad. This is how she eventually saved the life of her mother.

“I believe in fate. During Soviet times, a job was ready for you after you studies, as long as you were prepared to go to a completely other place in the country. I went to the far north of Russia and stayed there for 12 years. I married a man who was not Chechyan which at first caused a lot of bad comments in the family. But during the war it turned out to be the way the family could be saved.''

Laila grew up in a village 30 kilometers outside Grozny, Serjen-Yurt. Not a big village, but at a crucial spot. Laila's mother Aimat still lived there, together with Laila's sister-in-law and her two children. “The only road to the mountains led through our village. The houses are build alongside the road – the village stretches along this road. . The Russian troops marched to the mountains via this road and shot every house on the way. Our house was targeted as well.''

The family fled to Moscow, where Laila had a house in those days. “My sister-in-law returned after a year, she rebuilt the house. My mother was ashamed she was at my house. According to our tradition, her son, my brother, should have taken care of her. But he was in prison after a car-accident for which he was to blame.'' The house was just rebuilt and the family returned when the second Chechen war began.

Again, the family fled to Moscow. ,,My mother and two other elderly people did not want to come. They had left their country too many times already. My mother had to flee in 1919 and 1929 because of the communists. In the Second World war it got too dangerous as well. 'I will die here', she said, 'I will not leave my country again.' But she had to, this war was more violent than the first one. Chechen people were angry with each other, no one trusted each other any more.''

“I was lucky, my husband never complained. Neither about all the people living here, nor about the money we send to Chechnya, nor about the times I returned to Grozny to help a family member. Even now, while it is somewhat quiet in Chechnya, I can help family with my house. Like my cousin Aisa for instance: once in a while she comes and lives there for a couple of months to make some money.

Now Laila is in her pretty kitchen in her flat, a large one by Moscow standards. Thanks to her Russian husband and both their decent jobs, Laila can take care of her family . “My sons and my daughter have Russian last names and will not say out loud that they are half Chechen. Even the friends of my daughter often do not know she has Chechen blood. Here in Moscow, the word Chechen is used to create fear. My son was robbed by a guy who said he was Chechen. My son laughed, told the guy he is Chechen as well and greeted him in our language. The robber stuttered and then had to admit that he was actually from Dagestan, a neighboring republic.''

Laila's brother went living in Grozny for good in 1999. According to the Chechen tradition, Laila's mother Aimat went living with them as soon as the worst of the war was over. “Eventually it killed her. My nephew, 17 years old by then, was beaten up outside, probably by the men of Kadyrov. They kept on asking where he kept his weapons. My mother, 87 by then, jumped in. No one was allowed to touch her grandchildren. The men slammed her against the wall, she got severely injured on her head. A couple of months later, she died because of this. There is only one person I blame for that, and that is Putin. Who ever those men were, if he had not started the war in Chechnya, my mother would have died in peace.''

The Chechens are one of the many people living in the mountains of the north of the Caucasus. Chechenya never wanted to governed Russian rule. During the Civil war in Russia they were fighting with the Bolsheviks and in the Second World war with the Germans, hoping to become independent each time. . Stalin punished them in 1944 with the deportation of all Chechens to Central-Asia.

In 1994, after the fall of the Soviet union the first Chechen war started. A cease-fire ended the fighting, but not the problems. In 1999 the second Chechen war starts.

Ever since, it is not really safe in Chechnya. The fighters for independency cannot win from the Russian troops, and try to get attention through attacks in Chechnya, the neighboring republics, and Moscow.

The Russians hunt down the fighters for independency with a lot of violence and shows of power. President Kadyrov, who has to thank Putin for his position, had his private army, the Kadyrovits. They are blamed for violating human rights by torture, abductions and violence. 5,000 people are estimated to be missing, many of them abducted by the Kadyrovits.

In the past few years it has been somewhat quiet in Chechnya, but in Moscow and the neighboring republics Dagestan and Ingushetia there have been attacks for which the fighters for independency are blamed.